Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
