ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
