It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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