I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
