There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
