don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
