I feel like abortions should bother me more
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
