I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
