the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
