What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Little spoons don't ask big questions
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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