I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
