when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So vagazzling was a success
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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