the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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