i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
