I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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