My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
