Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
