I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
