i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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