Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
