We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
