You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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