I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
