Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
