we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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