I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we're making bets on your personal life
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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