today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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