Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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