If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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