I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
