Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All I want is dick and wine.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
