Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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