woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just forgot I was standing up.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
