hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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