watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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