I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
