You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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