Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
