If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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