In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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