I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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