that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
