I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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