im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
