dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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