I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
