she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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