I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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