why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
