Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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