Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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