I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
